Two
HUMAN RESPECT
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal,
that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life.
—Extract from the U.S. Declaration of Independence (drafted by Thomas
Jefferson)
The first category of respect is human respect. This type of respect is
inherent to everyone. At the heart of this level of respect are your
self-respect and your value system. How do you value yourself? How do
you value other people? How do you respond toward a stranger that you
have just met under normal circumstances? How do you value human life?
This is an attribute that your parents instill in you right from a very
early stage of your life. This attribute is also forged, for better or
worse, by influential people in your life as you grow older.
Let us take a reflective walk from your early years as a child to your
current years and explore some of the key influential people who may
impact your degree of human respect. There will be other people or
specific individuals who may come to mind as you take this stroll;
however, the people that I shall identify represent those whom we
typically take for granted or underestimate. I will also share a few of
my notable experiences with you as we tread back through memory lane.
THE CHILDHOOD YEARS
First, it starts with your parents while you are a child growing up.
This includes situations involving natural parents, foster parents,
guardians, and caretakers. These people raise you and instill a value
system within you at a time when you are highly impressionable, very
dependent, and cannot provide for yourself.
There are many publications and books—on parenting and family—that
capture and describe the degree of influence that your parents have over
you during your formative young years. A simple application of
cause-and-effect analysis demonstrates this. If, as a four-year-old,
your parents continually yell at you and verbally condemn you for
everything that you do wrong, you will likely grow up with very low
self-esteem or very low self-worth. This may potentially translate into
engagement in bad behavior as you get older—you may succumb to peer
pressure to use drugs, you may exercise bad judgment that may cause you
harm, you may turn to alcohol use as a way to rebel, or you may bully
other people who may be less positioned to defend themselves.
Another case in point may be where two parents periodically engage in
marital conflict that degenerates into a war of strong words and verbal
abuse—all this while the children (or perhaps you) hide in the bedroom,
mentally recording the whole event. This type of exposure can
potentially diminish a young child’s self-esteem. If parents demonstrate
lack of appreciation or value for each other, it will likely be
difficult for young children to develop strong self-appreciation and
consideration for others.
Yet another common example is the case where both parents, or a sole
parent, have a very busy work schedule, to the extent that very little
time is set aside to tend to the emotional needs and support of a young
child. As that child grows older, he or she may have a tendency to turn
to other people (such as peers or ill-advised role models) to meet their
emotional needs.
I was raised in a very traditional setting, in Lagos, Nigeria. The
culture was highly hierarchical, and emphasis was placed upon discipline
and respect for your “elders.” This concept included respect for older
siblings, older cousins, older relatives, and of course, parents. My
parents instilled these values in me at this early stage in my life,
with reinforcement from my extended family—grandparents, aunts, uncles,
older cousins, and others.
My (late) father developed a reward system that I had no choice but to
abide by. If I wanted something and asked my father, he would give me
the money I needed to cover the purchase, on one condition—that I
prepared what he called a Statement of Account to be presented to him
afterward. This simple handwritten report showed three sets of
figures—Income (the amount he gave me), Expense (the items I purchased
along with the individual cost), and Balance (the change). He had taught
me the process of preparing this report at a very early age (seven or
eight, as I recall), and he expected it ready on the dining table when
he returned home from work.
From my perspective, this was a great deal! I could ask for (and get)
almost anything I wanted as long as I was willing to prepare a “stupid”
report—this was what I thought at the time. My father would methodically
review the math (addition and subtraction) in the report, check my
change, and review the receipts. I ensured that my math was accurate
every time since there would be a negative consequence, otherwise. This
went on all through my early teenage years. As an adult today, looking
back, I truly appreciate my father’s effort and influence. It was his
way of instilling accountability and appreciation for money, not to
mention the sharpening of my math skills—I never wonder why I love math
or why I have always excelled at it.
At this very young age (birth through early teens), you really are at
the mercy of others for developing strong self-esteem and a value
system. Your parents hold the cards. If you have capable parents, you
will develop a good value system and strong self-esteem and value
yourself accordingly. This will enable you to value others and treat
others with an equal degree of respect. On the other hand, if you have
less-capable parents, you will likely develop a weak value system and
low self-esteem or low self-worth. This in turn may hamper your ability
to value others and treat others with a proper or fair degree of
respect.
My parents placed a strong emphasis on education. Their belief was that
a good education would serve me much more than anything they could offer
me. I was fortunate enough to attend a private (Catholic) elementary
school in Lagos. I excelled in every one of my courses, and this
achievement bolstered my self-esteem at this very young age.
Despite my excellent grades, my parents still enrolled me and my
brothers in after-school private tutorial sessions. This habit continued
on until high school age. At the time, I did not quite understand the
purpose of the tutoring. I always thought tutoring was for the
not-so-smart kids, and at this age, any chore after school was
unwelcome. Later on I learnt, from my mother, that the tutoring was
intended to keep my grades high so that there would be no need for panic
reaction to poor grades—a sort of preemptive strategy. Now I clearly
understand how I was later able to graduate in the top five percentile
of my high school class.
THE EARLY TEENS
As you grow older (through your midteens), and begin to interact more
with people other than your parents and siblings, your degree of
self-esteem continues to be shaped by people of influence. These people
include relatives, teachers, clergypersons, and public-figure role
models. Any of these people can have a position of authority or
influence over you. However, your parents still exercise the most
influence on you, your value system, and your self-esteem.
That favorite aunt or uncle, or perhaps grandma or grandpa, or even that
close family friend, may strengthen or weaken your self-esteem over a
period of time. This may occur through periodic activities or observed
behavior that may negatively impact your value system. For example,
suppose you visit Uncle John frequently to watch a fun game of football
on television. This is a popular and simple enough family tradition in
many households. During the course of the game, Uncle John, or other
adults present at the gathering, becomes engaged in the excitement of
the game and utter foul words and improper language. This goes on for
months or years at a time. After a while, you find yourself uttering
these same foul words in moments of excitement or routine situations
with other people.
(End of Chapter Excerpt)
Six
EARNING RESPECT AT THE WORKPLACE
In the world of business, performance commands respect, performance sets
you apart, performance gives you an advantage.
—Niyi Taiwo
Now let’s return to a brighter side. We have already established that
there are three categories of respect—human respect, positional respect,
and earned respect. We have also established that the common theme, or
binding thread, for these three categories is your value system. Recall
also that earned respect is the one category that you control most of
your life. So how do you earn respect?
There are various venues where you stand to establish and gain respect.
The most common include the following:
home (family)
hangout (friends / peers)
school (classmates)
workplace (employer / coworkers)
worship house (congregation)
social event (social group)
public domain (general public)
foreign country (hosts)
RESPECT: GAINING IT AND SUSTAINING IT
With the exception of full-time retirees, full-time students, and young
children, most of us are employed in one capacity or another at a place
of work. Our employer and the workplace represent a location where we
spend a good part of our daily lives. Therefore, I’d like to cover the
workplace venue in this chapter and defer discussion of the other venues
to the next chapter.
Employers hire you to serve in a specific role and perform clearly
defined functions or tasks. These activities are linked to other
functions or tasks within the larger organization, all for the purpose
of providing a value-added product or service (or both) to customers. In
return for performing these functions or tasks, an employer offers you
remuneration in the form of a salary, bonus, health benefits, retirement
benefits, or more. Your job function is usually equated to a seemingly,
but not always, appropriate level of remuneration.
In my experience working for and with a variety of large, medium, and
small companies, one formula has proved successful time and time again
for achieving and maintaining workplace respect. This four-step formula
consists of the following:
Step I: Act professional
Step II: Respect superiors
Step III: Respect peers and subordinates
Step IV: Be a performance employee
STEP I: ACT PROFESSIONAL
There is a reason why you were selected for a job with an employer.
There is an expectation of you, by your manager and other superiors and
by your subordinates, if any. These expectations include dressing
appropriately, coming to work on time, performing the duties for which
you are being paid, and adhering to workplace policies, including work
ethics and safety measures. These expectations are the norm with most
workplace positions around the world.
If you serve in a management position, with subordinates reporting to
you, try to set an example for proper professional behavior. Spend some
time to review your employer’s manual on workplace code of conduct, if
one exists. Whether you realize it or not, your team will take their cue
from you. Your professional conduct and management style will be
perceived as a reflection of the company culture.
The PF Zone
As I indicated earlier, I once served as the manager of an information
technology development group for a financial services firm. As the head
of the group, I established certain standards of professional behavior
which I also practiced. One of such standards was the absence of
profanity (foul language) in the workplace. I communicated this message
to all members of my staff, and I showed leadership by practicing what I
communicated.
I soon became known for my “Profanity-Free Zone” in the workplace, and
this effort created an atmosphere of respect and professionalism for my
group and for most other business units that we worked with.
STEP II: RESPECT SUPERIORS
There is also an expectation of respect for people in higher-level
positions. This is part of the hierarchical structure that we discussed
previously, common to all business environment. This form of respect
expected of you is positional respect. Regardless of the qualities of a
person serving in a superior role, you should exhibit a capability of
showing respect for the position, for reasons that we have examined
previously. Due respect, when shown, never goes unnoticed. It may not
always be acknowledged, but it registers mentally.
STEP III: RESPECT PEERS AND SUBORDINATES
There is an expectation by your peers and subordinates, if you have any,
to be treated fairly and respectfully. Many people fail in this area,
especially with subordinates.
Subordinates, and sometimes peers, represent individuals who may prove
to be critical to your success within a position of a company.
Subordinates work to fulfill the tasks delegated to them in an effort to
support your objectives and goals. It is therefore paramount that you
gain and maintain their loyalty and commitment by affording them due
respect as employees. This includes listening to them, soliciting their
input and opinion, and recognizing their contribution. This approach
indeed reciprocates (earned) respect.
STEP IV: BE A PERFORMANCE EMPLOYEE
This final step of the formula is where 80 percent or more of employees
do not excel. I have seen this all too often. A performance employee is
not someone who comes in daily to fulfill his or her job duties while
acting professionally. You are already getting paid to do this.
To be a performance employee, you have to operate consistently well
above the norm—not once in a while, not only when you are called upon,
but rather on a sustained basis. Also, you have to achieve results that
matter to your superiors and to the company. This in turn requires full
understanding of what matters to your superiors and to the company—that
is, goals and priorities.
A performance employee is a problem solver—an initiator of ideas that
lead to solutions to problems or improvement of existing standards. You
know that you are a performance employee
when you have a reputation for quality work, high performance standards,
and when you are highly sought for high-profile and very important
special projects or initiatives.
When it’s crunch time, high performers rise to the occasion while others
retreat.—Niyi Taiwo
Being a performance employee does not imply that you work hard all the
time. Rather, it means that you work smart all the time and work hard
when necessary. This is the secret work style of performance employees,
and this almost always commands (earned) respect.
So how do you become a performance employee? What can you do to achieve
this status? How long does it take? Here are some guidelines.
First and foremost, further your education. Most young adults believe
that once they sail through college graduation day (undergraduate or
graduate), then their education days are over. Wrong! The fact is, much
of what you learn in college is only a part of the foundational
knowledge that you need to establish a successful career. There was a
time when you would go to college, study in a particular field, pursue
employment with companies that utilized that field (of study), and work
with one or two such firms your entire career. Well times have changed.
Nowadays, you find people who go to college to study in a particular
field and end up pursuing a career in a totally different area. This has
become a common practice. Of course there are some exceptions as with
doctors, nurses, pharmacists, scientists, and other expert occupations.
In an article written by my mother, currently in her late sixties, early
in 2007, for a newsletter publication about her secondary-
(End of Chapter Excerpt)
Seven
EARNING RESPECT OUTSIDE THE WORKPLACE
Put First Things First. —Stephen R. Covey,
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
We identified several venues where we spend a lot of our time, depending
on what stage in life we find ourselves. We have covered the workplace
where we interact with our employer and coworkers. We will now cover the
other venues and explore how respect may be gained and sustained. But
first, the popular venues are recalled as follows:
home (family)
hangout (friends / peers)
school (classmates)
workplace (employer / coworkers)
worship house (congregation)
social event (social group)
public domain (general public)
foreign country (hosts)
RESPECT: GAINING IT AND SUSTAINING IT
HOME
Let us begin with the home. The popular adage “There is no place like
home” sets the stage for this discussion. The context of a home, as I
define it, consists of a married couple with children—a family—or a
married couple with plans to establish a family. For single-parent
households, much of the principles I present would still apply. The
organizational structure within a household, whether single-parent or
dual-parent, fits into the hierarchical category of drivers that we
covered in the chapter on positional respect.
Much of the principles presented here would also apply to personal
(boyfriend-girlfriend) relationships, especially where a long-term
commitment is intended or in place. The context in such a case would be
the relationship, as opposed to the hierarchical structure and dynamics
of a family.
There are many factors that influence the dynamic relationships within a
family structure—culture, tradition, belief system, spirituality, and so
on. Professionals and other experts—psychologists, psychiatrists, and
sociologists—have a firm understanding of most of these dynamic factors.
It is advisable that individuals within a dysfunctional family or with
serious family problems consult professionals who are better trained at
dealing with such issues.
My question here, nevertheless, is simple: how can you gain respect at
home, within a family system? This question does not assume a lack of
respect at the present time; instead, it assumes an opportunity to gain,
or increase, the current level of respect in a sustained manner. There
is little value in exploring strategies for a short-term gain in
respect. There is, however, much more value in exploring strategies for
sustained increase in the level of respect within your family, for a
better quality of life. Using a continuous improvement approach found in
the business world, which is how I have chosen to address this topic of
respect, and based on the three fundamental components of respect
presented so far, the primary focal point, I believe, is the family
value system. This refers to the psychological process that is used to
assign value (worth) by members, to other members and to other
attributes of the family. But first, there has to be a level playing
field. Let me explain.
Putting on my business professional hat, in a visible way, there is a
concept that I am employing here to make a case. This concept is rooted
in the theory of probability, and I shall state it as simply as
possible. In the world of business, a process (that is, a set of
activities) exhibits a normal characteristic if the only cause of errors
(problems) is due to chance; however, if there are other special causes
of errors (problems), then the process exhibits a nonnormal (abnormal)
characteristic.
Here is an example that I believe better illustrates this concept and
one that we can all understand—let’s suppose that you have a mom-and-pop
business that involves baking cupcakes, and you have perfected a winning
recipe that customers have come to love. Your process of baking the
cupcakes that always meet the standards that your customers love will be
considered “normal” as long as you use the same quality ingredients and
follow the exact same recipe steps every time. Although the cupcakes may
vary slightly in taste and texture from day to day, this variation is
purely due to chance—a natural phenomenon.
However, if one day you decide to use a new additional ingredient that
leads to a different batch of cupcakes that your customers quickly
disapprove of, then you have introduced a special cause of error (or
problem) and this leads your baking process to exhibit a “nonnormal,” or
abnormal, characteristic that negatively impacts your customers. Special
causes are not considered natural causes because they are primarily
introduced by special circumstances. In fact, special causes are mostly
identifiable and addressable. Once the special cause—the new additional
cup cake ingredient—is identified and removed, your baking process
reverts back to its normal predictable way that customers once again can
enjoy.
So what do I mean when I state that there has to be a level playing
field prior to focusing on the family value system as a source of
gaining respect? What I mean is that there has to be an identification
and removal of any special causes of problems within a family unit,
before resorting to the family value system. Special causes are
abnormalities that exist within a family system or within a
relationship, and include excessive drinking or abuse of alcohol,
substance abuse and use of illicit drugs, mental disorder, and other
similar extreme and destabilizing factors.
These special causes, just as I illustrated in the cupcake analogy, lead
to an abnormal family environment. Think about it. If you have one
member of a family, perhaps a parent, regularly abusing alcohol, then
how can you expect a normal family environment? Similarly, if you have
one member of a family periodically engaging in drug abuse, then how can
you expect normality within the family unit? The existence of special
causes leads to impairment of self-respect and greatly diminishes the
ability of the impaired individual to behave in a manner worthy of
respect. Therefore, there has to be an absence of special causes within
a family environment, prior to any focus on the family value system.
Special causes usually require professional assistance and care,
especially when children are in the picture and a history of family
turmoil exists.
So how can your family value system be a source for gaining respect
within the home? Here is a simple analogy—let’s reflect for a moment on
the internal dynamics of an American football team. Such a team consists
of various units that include an offensive unit, a defensive unit, and a
special (team) unit. For the football team to function properly and
succeed, it operates using a common playbook—a set of codes, rules, and
strategies that are clearly and thoughtfully established, vetted,
mastered, rehearsed, and methodically executed time and time again. The
playbook directs the activities of each of the units on the team
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